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Talk:20 Questions/@comment-3541151-20151108225716
My Review 1/2 For more go here http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:Alstinson/My_Critiques I am the Great Alstinsono! For a small price, I can predict your future! Welcome! Welcome! What is your name, new traveler? No, let me answer. Your name is...? Jeff! Ha Ha Ha! Dumb reference. Hey, not that I can't predict it, but what is your real name? "I AM THE GREAT RONWE! THE REAL KNOWER OF ALL!" The great, what? Oh, Jesus! More competition! Look pal, I hardly make anything off this carnival, so if you could just- "20:30." Huh? "YOU MAKE $20:30 WEEKLY. YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S PRETTY PATHETIC." How did you-? "THE GREAT RONWE KNOWS ALL! AND NO, I DIDN'T SPEAK TO YOUR BOSS." That's amazing! You shouldn't waste this as some circus act! Go improve the world! "DON'T WORRY, THE GREAT RONWE PUTS THIS POWER TO GOOD USE!" Good. What do you do with it? "I USE IT TO ANTAGONIZE PEOPLE... AND KILL THEM OFF! IMPRESSED? TERRIFIED? C'MON LET'S HEAR IT!" Try, disappointed. "WHAT?! OH, YOU MUST NOT HAVE THE IMPACT OF MY AWESOME TERROR! LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF MY WORK!" One drawn out story later: "THUS PROVING YOU CAN'T OUTWIT, THE GREAT RONWE! I'LL JUST CHANGE THINGS, ANYWAY! DAMN FOOLS! HA HA HA! HEY-! HEY I PREDICT THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY STORY!" Really? You had to "predict" that? "I DON'T UNDERSTAND-! AND, YET I MUST." You had a decent setup and idea, but it falls hard when potential is shoved aside to tell a finished story, with no real effort put in. "HOW COULD I SCREW UP A DECENT STORY?! I AM THE GREAT RONWE!" Want to find out? Let's predict where your story went wrong! "OH! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN ONE!" This, is 20 Questions! That's the problem, it's not. "(WHINES)" The story begins nearly directionless, and focuses on the life of our main character. He's a lonely bachelor who's isolated himself as a recluse. As such, he's addicted to the internet. Heh- heh. Doesn't sound familiar. "RONWE KNOWS, A LITTLE TOO WELL!" Shut up! One of the things that he finds himself doing, are 20 Question themed personality quizes. Admittedly, that's subtly placed. It feels natural and not shoved in your face. Even if you can tell from the title that's where the story's going. "THANK YOU, SUBTLETY IS MY MIDDLE NAME!" Really? What's your last? "RONWE." What?! Then, what's your first? "THE GREAT." So your name is-? "YEP, THE GREAT SUBT-" Back to the story! Also, though I hate to boost your ego, the "life of the character" beginning is actually entertaining, and relatable. The storytelling here does get you, to want to be invested. "THANKS, I-" Wait Ronwe! Until you realize this beginning is merely a buildup mechanism! "AAAAAAH! YOU SAW THROUGH MY RUSE!" This cliche that I'm beginning to notice time and again can be used in good stories, but frequents bad ones. It's a formula that uses the main character's life as setup. To give a fake sense of quality, they simply write that setup well. "IT'S A CLICHE? NO WAY, IT'S A SMART FAKEOUT! WHO HERE IS AS GOOD A FAKEOUT AS THE GREAT-" Necrosleep, Just Another Night and Laughing Jack! "THE GREAT RONWE IS FEELING LOW. (SLAMS HEAD ON DESK)" The subtle bait, once taken shows the story is about this generic Akinator website called, "The Great Ronwe." ("I HATE YOU SO MUCH.") It's a 20 Questions website that wants to predict the right answers to all the rhetorical questions it asks. Also the character, "Ronwe" is an excited brat, about it . So yeah, AKINATOR! "LIKE TO SEE ONE OF YOUR STORIES." I don't have a lame stor- "(SNAPS FINGER)" http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Night_Watchman Don't give them that link! Don't click that! Moving on! The main character, who's interested in- no too generous. Who is GLUTTON for this kind of time wasting, plays along. As he does, he realizes the game knows him too well, questions seem to know him too personally. "YES, SEE! RONWE KNOWS ALL! WHAT COULD BE SCARIER?" Let's just see how well you use it, Ronwe. "ARE YOU STILL CHALLENGING ME?" Silence, Ronwe! This is your session! "RONWE NEEDS NO SESSION!" Well you came to me! I'm the fortune teller now.